Guy: Updates

I’d update this and share all the interesting stories I have but the problem is that I have no stories to share. My well of dating stories is drier than an 80 year olds vagina. Maybe it’s that kind of crass humor that keeps people away from me or the fact that I’m really hard to get along with. I don’t know. I could tell you about the only two guys I’ve ever seriously liked or I could wait til I go on a date someday. I don’t know why I’m writing this but I do know that I want a story to share. Also, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I think I’m lonely.

Forever Alone

Girl: Rice and Beans

New Message.

Hi there, just stopped looking at your page and I don’t know which one is more gorgeous, your cute smile or my grandma’s rice and beans lol 


Jokes aside, where did you get such smile, were you born with it or was evolution?


Girl: Really.

Someones “about me”:

I’m the question-mark in parenthesis…awaiting further punctuation. ;)


Guy: Pedos

To a guy who has a picture of him as a kid up.

You’re going to get so many pedophiles.

Guy: I Just Stopped Caring

Messaging people isn’t my thing.

Whole lotta skin on your profile dude, but you’re an anthropologist so that’s pretty cool. Let’s talk anthropology. Cause I’m an anthropologist too.

Guy: The World’s a Mess, It’s In My Kiss

Last night was one of the strangest nights of my life. It started out as another OKCupid date, lame and not headed in any particularly interesting direction. You could say I’ve become disillusioned with the whole dating scene, but my expectations were really low to begin with. After getting a few drinks at a bar in Manhattan, we talked about careers and I found myself being passionate about anthropology. It was the first time I talked like an academic in a non-academic setting. I was proud of myself.

But he didn’t care. He was trying to become an accountant or some lame shit like that. He did buy me tons of beer though, so at least there was that. I mentioned Doctor Who at one point and he said he didn’t like the show. I gave him the “get out of my face” look and was about to yell at him when the most adorable guy entered the conversation and said “Who said Doctor Who?!”. I looked at him and just smiled. I eventually ditched OKCupid guy and spent a long time talking to this guy about science fiction and art deco. He also knew the bartender and the DJ so I got free drinks and was able to request whatever I wanted. There was a lot of punk rock that night. Punk rock, booze, high fives, and eventually, a whole lot of making out. But of course, something had to go wrong.

You see, the whole bar was kind of dark and I was drunk. You know where this is going. He asked me how old I was and I said 21. “Wow” he said, “You’re a pretty young guy”. I thought to myself Wait, how old is this guy? He was born in 1961. In my fucking defense, he looked like a late 20’s Park Slope hipster. His beard, the way he dressed, the way he talked, the way he sounded, everything screamed young Park Slope hipster. I eventually saw him under better lighting conditions and noticed some white hairs. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and locked myself inside. I splashed some water on my face and looked at myself in a dirty mirror with a muffled Los Angeles by X playing outside. I stared at myself for a good minute and slipped out quietly and made for the back exit. And that’s a Tuesday night for me.

Shaking My Head

Girl: I have a “don’t make out during The Shins” rule.

I went on a date last night.

Now, I have only met two people from okcupid, but I’ve talked to a lot, and I sort of have been going into things assuming the worst of people. Though, I’d guess even without the two, not outstanding dates, I’d still have a pretty pessimistic view on this whole online dating thing.  

So when my 3rd okcupid date went well…

Well, I was pretty surprised.

Lets call him T-dawg (for no particular reason then his name starts with a “T”)

T-dawg must be the only guy on okcupid who is significantly cuter in person then his okcupid profile makes him look. There are the people who misrepresent themselves, and just take very flattering photos but look different in person, and the people (I hope I fit into this group) who look just like they do in their pictures and there are no surprises. T-dawg looked better, which was the first pleasant surprise.

We met at a bar of his choice and I showed up early, bought myself a drink and waited at the bar. He arrived only a few minutes after me. He was confident and comfortable, or at least he seemed those things. After he ordered his gluten free beer, we headed outside and sat in the garden. I was tense and awkward and uncomfortable for a bit. But I sense he may have been feeling a bit of that as well. After talking for a bit, though, things became more casual and comfortable. He was very funny and very witty and I hope I came off just the same. He bought me a drink, like a gentleman. I usually don’t like when guys by me drinks, but he was just so sure and confident about it.

When the yard closed we continued our conversation inside standing across from the bar. Throughout the conversation we stood closer and closer to one another.  And so began the playful arm touches and eventually we were standing close enough that he sort of had his arm around me, and I was surprisingly comfortable with it.

We continued moving closer until our faces eventually collided and we just HAD to kiss. There was an awkward post kiss moment that felt very long, but after acknowledging the awkwardness of the moment, we eased back into comfortable conversation. Followed by more totally public kissing.

We headed out together and he took my hand as we walked to the station.

This is a long post.  I’ll write another that talks more about my opinions of him and my feeeeeelllinnggs and other sappy crap that applies to dates that don’t totally suck.

But overall, it was a surprising night. A good, comfortable, surprising night.

Girl: My taste in film.

New Message:

“It’s a good thing you threw Up on your movies list, or else it’d be 100% perverts and weirdos- I’ve only seen the first hour or so of Audition, but I hear it isn’t all just about a quirky Japanese salaryman finding love. I like all that, too, even Solondz somehow. 

Thanks, man. I find it really hot when guys think my movie taste is on par with perverts and weirdos. 

Girl: Back with updates.

I met the guy who looks like my High School boyfriend and he didn’t look like my High School boyfriend. He then went on to talk about people misrepresenting themselves on okcupid and looking different in real life then they do online. I smiled and nodded politely.

This actually didn’t turn out to be the most interesting of dates. Or maybe it was, but not because of him.

He met up with a group of friends of mine, so I’m not sure I can totally call it date. Everything was very social at first. We hung out as a group. Then we lost two members of our group, and the other two members tried to give me and (not so)Time Warp some space. We talked. It wasn’t exactly boring, but there was just sort of nothing there. We talked about art and music and comics and movies and it was like talking to my brother about art and music and comics and movies, except without that brother sister bond. So, the night ended. I gave him a friendly hug and we all went our separate ways. 

He has been in touch about hanging out again. I have been clear that I do not want to date him, but would hang out with him. I have yet to do so.

P.S. The kid, from my first date made a few attempts to get in touch with me again. I meant to answer him, I really did. Only out of courtesy really, but time passed and I never answered and it just became too late, so I probably never will. I’ll make sure to keep his number in my phone labeled “don’t answer this call”. 

Guy: Faaaaaaake

It seems I’m the only one posting these days. I don’t like it.

Anyway, I just felt like I had to point out that editing the fuck out of your profile picture is never a good thing. Jus’ sayin’. I wish I could share this guy’s profile page, but that would just be rude. Also, you are 20 years old. U r not kool when u type lyk this LOL :)

kelleyholla:

Every guy on okcupid.com. Ugh!

kelleyholla:

Every guy on okcupid.com. Ugh!

Girl: A clear proposition.

Why Orthodox Jews May Have The Hottest Sex Lives

Thanks Isaac!

Guy: So Not Jealous

So you got a boyfriend? And there’s the link to his profile. Hmm…

Guy: Bright Personalities

So I’m back to the search on OKCupid and I have a grand total of one message since my absence.

GIF

So after getting over that, I checked it out. A couple of back and forth messages and…

My day was quite okay. Had my favorite tea. Took a walk with my favorite tea lol and a friend of mine. Came home. Ate. And now i’m drawing and singing! All fun stuff :p -poke-

Pretty normal right? I guess so, if you’re ten. It’s the poke that bothers me. But that’s nothing compared to his profile.

MUSIC!!!!, PINKBERRY!!! lol A PEN! MY 2 BFF’s LOL they are amazing. Hmmm I guess I could say central park because it’s one of my favorite places to go. AND COFFEE!!!! Thats only 5 I know lol…….WAIT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE 6th One!!! A JOURNAL!

I don’t think I can handle this much…cheeriness. What’ll he be like during Christmas? Imagine all that cheer.



Girl: Time Warp.

Talking to some comic reading, video game playing, adorable, horror movie loving, dude who looks a lot like my first boyfriend. This might be too weird to actually continue. Might.

Him: Next question

Do you believe in aliens, demons or any other paranormal phenomenon?

Me: putting aliens in that realm of paranormal phenomenon is just offensive

they’re real.

Him: Perfect

Looks like I have a date.

now the official learning to date gif.